Today I am angry.

I am angry because I lost my contact in the bathroom and Thing Two was weepy and clawing to get in but I had to shut her out while I frantically passed my hands over the tiles looking for it.

I am angry because Thing One emptied out the fridge and took a tub of cookie dough under the kitchen table to eat while this was happening.

I am angry because Thing One is unhappy and fragile and uncertain and combative.

I am angry because Thing Two is weepy and insecure and snot-nosed and prone to burst into tears.

I am angry because I wanted to “lay down the law” with K. last night during our meeting; not my law, but the law of what is real and what he has committed to, and I didn’t get to do that because he was so tired and crabby and sick (cold) that I felt it would be too disastrous.

I am angry because he opened our meeting by asking for next Sunday, his only long day with the kids, off so that he could watch the Superbowl, and when it became apparent (to me) that this would not work because of other plans the kids and I have, the fact that that’s the only day he doesn’t work starting at four, etc., and I said, “I don’t think that’s going to work out,” he seemed pissy and complained, “I was hoping for a little flexibility.”

I am angry because WHAT THE FUCK kind of mentality is it when you want to give up your one day that you really see your son and tuck your kids in to watch a football game. Especially when you don’t even follow football.

I am angry because I am angry and I yelled at Thing One when he did the cookie dough thing. I am angry because I am impatient. I am angry because things are just wrong right now. I am angry because I am miserable. I am angry because I am worried. I am angry because something is happening that is very, very wrong, and that something is that my husband refuses to honor the marriage that he committed his life to, and in my book — and in his, until Dec. 5 — you do not get to make that decision.

I am angry because I am having trouble existing without inflicting damage on those around me right now. I dropped Thing Two off with my mother and declined to talk or eat or stay or take my shoes off in deference to her rules (which I hate when people don’t do at my house). I said, “I cannot do any of this right now. I just need you to take her and I need to go.”

I am angry because I trusted.

I am angry because on some level I still trust.

Today is my fourth wedding anniversary.

Happy anniversary, K. I love you.

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